Grief and Loss

“All shall be well, and all shall be well. In all manner of things, all shall be well.”

St. Teresa of Avila

Loss is inevitable. As long as we live on this earth, we are more likely to lose something that we hold dear to our hearts. If you have recently lost somebody or something, please let me first express how deeply sorry I am that you are going through this. It can be a gut wrenching, sickening and a devastating feeling to be in active grief. 

However loss can look and feel different, dependent on the type, the person grieving, the consequences, and the stage of life. And while we tend to think of grief as only associated with losing somebody to death, there are in fact many different types of grief. We can grieve the loss of a relationship, the loss of a dream, and/or the loss of an ability. Each of these situations can invoke the grief process with all of it’s different stages.

There are several types of grief: Anticipatory grief where a person may have the time for the preparation of loss and ability to finish unfinished business, review their life and resolve conflicts. Normal grief (not my favorite term) but is grief where the individual is feeling what is considered as normal feelings, reactions and behaviors to a loss. And finally Complicated grief which has several different variations. There is Disenfranchised grief: when an experienced loss cannot be openly acknowledged; Chronic grief: normal grief reactions that do not subside but continue over long periods of time; Delayed grief: normal grief reactions that are suppressed or postponed; and finally Masked grief: the person is not aware that their depression or anxiety are a result of the loss

While in active grief it can be helpful to us the Kubler-Ross model as a possible map through the emotional turmoil. Kubler-Ross identified the five stages of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.

1) Denial can feel like numbness, a lack of emotion, you may dream of the person or engage in magical thinking, feeling like you see them out of the corner of your eye.

2) Anger is the power play, you may push people away to avoid getting hurt, blame others as an outlet for helplessness, or you may blame yourself. Anger is where the “should have, could have, why didn’t I?” exist.

3) Bargaining is the stage where you start negotiating with the world, if I do x, y, z I will wake up and it will all be a nightmare. However, this type of thinking contributes to depression as you wake up each morning and nothing has changed.

4) Depression occurs when you start feeling helpless or hopeless, all or nothing thinking, such as I will never love again or I am unable to survive in this new reality.

5)Finally Acceptance  is a radical acceptance that the loss has occurred and determining how to proceed from there. 

While most of us cycle through some form of these stages, they do not tell the whole story and grief is rarely if ever a linear process. There can be  a lot of conflicting emotions for the griever. There can be feelings of relief, guilt for feeling relief as well as anger and frustration of losing somebody or something. There can even be joy and elation, if the person was very sick and suffering greatly.  It is important that the griever has access to a sensitive and compassionate space coupled with psychosocial support to help them get through the process of mourning and come to a place of radical acceptance. 

What you can do at home to help you get through the stages of grief: you can write things down, grief is a time of crisis, you may not remember everything you need to do. Simplify your life. What do you have to do? Reassess everything, do you actually have to do that thing/go to that event or can you skip it this time? Set short term goals. Distract yourself by doing things that you love. Start writing the next chapter in your story. The loss has happened. That chapter is finished. What does the next chapter look like? Who is the protagonist? What kind of person is that protagonist. Finally, plan ahead for grief triggers. Holidays, anniversaries, are situations that can bring up overwhelming feelings of grief, but other things, people and places can also be triggers, have a plan on what to do during those times. 

I see my purpose as to help people who have recently gone through tragedy, rebuild and rediscover themselves. Using a calm an understanding presence, I follow a three step process where I initially help my clients actively mourn their loss, then I help the griever accommodate the loss and finally I work with the griever to reinvest in a new life.

If you have recently lost somebody or gone through a major loss, such as divorce, loss of employment or housing, please contact me to set up a time where you can receive support in working through this heartbreaking transition.